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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?