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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.