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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.