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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.