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If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.