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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.