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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.