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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...