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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe