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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.