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“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.