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"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
is "insert clever remark here."
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!