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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....