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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside