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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.