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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever