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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.