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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.