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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.