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Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.