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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.