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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.