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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.