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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."