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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
So long pants! See you Monday!
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.