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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.