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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.