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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much Iām going to eat this week.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.