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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.