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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.