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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?