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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
My own personal hell sounds great, actually