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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.