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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?