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Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.