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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.