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I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Iād go to the gym but Iām still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.