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Iām single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
i dont have drain bramage.