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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?