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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”