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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.