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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes