Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.