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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?