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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.