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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
My mom says I`m special.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.