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Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there