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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
insert coin to view my status
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.