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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!