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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.