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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I have Beer.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.