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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness