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I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.