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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....