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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...