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?-- that guy is cute ?
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.