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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.