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I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.