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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.