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So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.