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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!