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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.