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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I just threw up my weekend.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.