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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
You can test my patience all you want, but Iām never going to pass.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?