Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.