Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.