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I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Soup of the day: Beer
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Iām thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".