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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!