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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.