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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.