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Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..