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People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Youth is wasted on the young.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.